Train Heartnet Solves Problems With His Gun
by HakurosMeatyLover
Summary: Basically what it sounds. Black Cats bein a badass G and usin Hades to perform good deeds like Eddie McDowd
1. Nitelite

Train was drinkin a cup of black coffee and then Sven walked into the room and yawned

So Train was like "Yo Sven you look tired bro whats goin on"

Sven was like "Yea man I cant sleep and I dunno why" and Train was like "Shit man I think I might know why, show me your room bro" and so then Train and Sven went to Svens bedroom

"Yo man heres the problem" then Train pointed to Svens nightlight "That shits way too bright bro you cant sleep with a bright nightlight" and then he took out his Hades he shot the nightlight and the room got dark "There you go bro now you can sleep better"

"Shit bro thanks" said Sven and then he went to bed and slept more

"Damn bro you know what I bet I can solve all sorts of problems with this sick-ass gun so thats what imma do today" and then Train sets out on his busy day of solvin problems with his gun


	2. Bookmobile

Train went outside and then he saw Eva sittin there cryin on the sidewalk "Yo Eva whats the matter whats wrong girl tell me"

"Train Im so sad I wanna read a new book but the bookmobile is all the way over there and its so high off the ground I cant get into it to get books"

"Aw baby that aint no problem stand back" and then Train pulls out Hades and he shoots the bookmobiles tires out and it swerves and crashes into a building

"Train thanks so much" and her face lights up like the moon "Now I can just take all those books outta the crashed bookmobile and read every single one"

"Yep girl thats the theory behind what I did there" said Train then he flipped his weave back

"But Train what about the building it crashed into, what kind of building was that"

And so then Train ran up to the crash site and he looked at the wreckage. "Puppy warehouse" he said to Eva and there were little puppies runnin' round all over the place "Here girl catch" then he throws Eva a puppy

"Train youre so cool now I have a puppy and everyone else can have a puppy because you broke the puppy warehouse Imma name this puppy after you"

"Aiight baby you do that" and then he walked off to solve another problem


	3. Out Of Fire

Then Train walked all the way to Ishval and he saw Roy Mustang resident badass fightin the Humanclus but Roy was losin and that never happens

So Train new somethin was up because Roy was losin the fight with Envy so Train was all "Yo Roy whats the problem"

Roy was all "Train bro Envys kickin my ass and theres no fire here for me to use to beat him" so Train was all "Bro just make some" and Roy was like "I cant im OUT OF ALCHEMY"

And Train was like "Shit bro aiight I know what I can do" then he pulled out Hades and he shot the nuclear power plant behind Envy and there was an explosion and fire everywhere

Then Roy was all "Shit man thanks so much" and he used the fire from the explosion to beat Envy and save Ishval

And Train was like "Sweet" then he walked off because shit man theres more problems to solve its only chapter three


	4. Pediculus humanus capitis

Yo alright so Trains walkin down the street and he sees Sven again and Svens all scratchin at his head and shit and Trains like "Shit man why you scratchin your head so much"

Then Sven was like "Yo man it itches so bad Im flippin losin my shit over here bro" and Train was like "Aiight bro lemme take a looksee" and he looks as Svens scalp and theres so many bugs runnin around and hes like "Yo Sven you got some fuckin head lice man lemme take care of this"

Then Train pulls out his gun and he shoots the lice off Svens head and Sven was like "Damn bro my itch is all better but Im bleedin pretty profusely now from this bullet wound in my head Imma go to a hospital Ill hit you up later"

And Train was like "Cool bro" and then walked on to solve another problem


	5. Death

Then Train sees Saya and shes all bleedin and shit and hes like "Damn Saya you bleedin girl whats wrong"

And Sayas like "Oh Train honey man its the worst, Creed slashed me with his imaginary blade and now Im dyin everywhere and it hurts"

Train is all "Shit girl aiight ill make it better" then he pulls out his gun and shoots her in the chest "Now youll die all quick and then it wont hurt anymore"

Saya says "Train man now Ill die too fast for it to hurt thanks so" but then she died and couldnt finish her sentence and Train walked on away


	6. Gotta Beat Scrabble!

Train walks up to Creed and Creeds playin Scrabble with some black dude and Trains like "Sup Creed" and Creed is like "Oh dude I am losin Scrabble so hard right now to this guy and I got a hundred bucks ridin on this game"

So Trains like "It aint no thing Creed here lemme help you" then he shoots the black dude (Trains not racist though the guy just happens to be black) "Now you winnin the Scrabble came by default" and Creeds like "Oh man thanks so much" so then Train goes on


	7. Trippin Balls

Then Train sees Eva and Evas frustrated and tryin to pry open a weird red ball

And Trains like "Eva yo Eva whats goin down what are you tryin to do there"

Eva replies "Train man its the worst ever my Pikachu wont come outta his Poke Ball man you gotta help" and Train was like "Baby thats what I do" so he takes out his gun and he shoots the Poke Ball and it cracks open and Pikachu jumps out into Evas arms

"Man Train" Eva says "Man Train thanks so much you so good at helpin"

And Trains like "Yeah man Im helpin everyone today they gotta call me Train Helpnet"


	8. Can't Climb That Tree!

So then Train sees Alphonse Elric cryin by a tree and Trains like "Al whats wrong why are you cryin homes"

And Alphonse is like "Yo Train buddy theres a kitty stuck up in that tree and he just wants to come down and its makin me so sad" and Train asks him "Yo man why dont you get up there and get it out then" and Alphonse is like "Bro Im made of automail that shits heavy I cant climb trees" and Trains like "O yea I feel ya bro stand back"

So then Train uses Hades and he shoots the tree trunk over and over til the tree falls down and the kitty jumps all up on Alphonses face and starts purrin and Alphonse is like "Aww"

Then Alphonse is like "Hey man check it out" and Trains like "Wut" and Alphonse is like "This cat man, its a black cat" and Train looks and it is a black cat and Alphonse says "Its a black cat bro, just like you"

And Train is like

"Heh heh... yea"


	9. Makin A Salad

Then Train goes to the grocery store and he sees Jenos standin by a bunch of produce and Trains like "Jenos man whats up whats down whats cool whats good" and Jenos is like "Oh Train bro I cant figure out which fruit to get for my fruit salad tonight Id buy em all but I dont have the money"

So Trains like "Oh bro Ill spot you on this one" then Train pulls out his gun and shoots the cashier dead "Jenos bro now you can get all the fruit for free because aint no one gonna stop you"

Jenos is like "Shit yeah man thanks hey you can come over for salad tonight" and he just grabs all the fruit and walks towards the door of the store

And Trains like "Nah man I dont really like salads sorry but thanks"

And Jenos is like "All good bro I getcha" then he leaves


	10. Birthday

So now its almost Evas birthday and she looks frustrated and Trains all "Eva girl whats frustratin you"

And then Evas all "Train man its two days til my birthday and I got all these gifts and I wanna know what they are now but I cant because I cant open em yet because it aint my birthday"

Train is like "Well if somebody else opened it before you then that aint your fault so here you go" then he shoots one of her presents open and Evas like "Oh man thanks so much now I know what it is" and she looks in the box "Its another puppy" she says

Trains like "Yeah girl you cant never have enough puppies" and Evas like "Its lickin my face puppies are so cute" and Trains like "Girl thats why I got it for you"

Then he goes off to solve more problems hes a busy man


	11. Late 2 Work

Svens runnin around the house like crazy diggin up cushions and lookin under couches and shit and Trains like "Sven what you lookin for bro"

Then Sven is all "Train bro I cant handle this shit I cant find my keys and I gotta get to work in like two minutes Imma be so late" and Trains like "Bro your key is right here its named Hades" and he pulls out his gun and shoots Svens car door and it pops open

Svens like "Thanks bro" and hops into the car and speeds off to work then Train stands there and hes like "Only key I need"


	12. L

So then Light Yagamis freakin out and Trains like "Yo Light whats the matter" and Light is all "Dude Im Kira right and Im tryin to figure out L's real name but I cant do it and hes gonna catch my bullshit soon and then imma die"

And Trains like "Nah bro you dont need a Death Note to kill a bitch just do this" then he pulls out his gun and shoots L until he dies and Light is like "Damn man thanks so much that was great what you just did there like wow"

And Trains like "I know man in return wanna like not write me down in your Death Note" and Light winks and says "No promises" then they laugh and Trains like "Yo I gotta solve more problems Ill hit you up later foo" and Lights like "Aiight thanks again bro"


	13. Froot Loops YEAH

So now Train goes into the kitchen and Creeds sittin there with a big bowl froot loops and hes just lookin at it longingly and trains like "Creed man creed whats wrong"

And so Creeds like "Train I like froot loops so much bro theyre just so good, theyre so good man" and trains like "but your bowls full why arent you eating them if theyre so good" and creeds like "Well I love froot loops man but every time i eat them my dentist yells at me beause they aint good for my teeth"

Trains all "Yeah man dentists are chodes here let me just fix that for you open your mouth" and Creed opens his mouth then Train shoots Creeds teeth out

"There bro now you got no teeth no more dentist for you" then creeds like "wow man thank you so much everything you just did was sweet"

Trains like "Aint no thing now go eat them froot loops"


	14. Coffee The Sequel

Train Heartnet the noted pimp G strolls all up into StarBucks and who does he see there but Creed servin up the drinks "Yo Creed" Train says "Yo Creed I gotta, I gotta thirst what do you got for that"

"Fried mocha latte" Creed says, "Always a hit, I'll get you a fried mocha latte as soon as I can make you one"

Trains like "Yeah yeah bro that sounds cool but what do you mean as soon as you can make me one, why cant you make me one now, you've got the mocha right there all you gotta do is shake it up in the deep fry"

"Bro" Creed says

Train says "Yea"

"Bro, bro back the fuck up" Creed says "I know how to make a fried mocha latte DONT tell me how to do my job"

"Alright sorry didnt mean to offend now can you please respond to my prior inquiry as to why you cant be making me a latte of the fried mocha variety because like i said youve got the stuff"

"Yeah yeah man okay I know THEORETICALLY i could make you all the lattes right now, but the problem is I cant work if I cant focus and right now i just cant focus on mocha lattes. You know why, is its this fucker Belze, see him over there? Hes that hipster asshole in the shoes"

"Yeah I see him Creed he looks like a grade A dildo but could you elaborate as to what the deal is as far as why hes so bad"

"Okay well he comes in here EVERY DAY and just straight up opens his laptop and writes a fuckin screenplay and talks about it so loud and I cant even handle it, its like bro NOBODY CARES you arent gonna make it big buy some drinks or get out, just his face, his face just, it just, it just bugs me is what his face does, make him get the fuck out and then ill give you a fried mocha latte on the house" creed explains thoroughly

"On the house you say" Train considers "Well fuck it is my helpful day so yeah ill help you and even score a fried mocha latte out of it" Then Train pulls out his gun "Hey Belzebub"

Belze looks over hes like "WHAT im trying to WRITE"

"Yeah try harder now that I do this" then Train pulls out his gun Hades and he fires five hundred bullets? (shit i dont know it was a lot) anyways he fires a lot of bullets into Belzes laptop all at once and Belze flips his shit runs out of that StarBucks and never to return

"God damn Train that was just so cool here you go fried mocha latte on the house" then he tosses it at Train who doesnt catch it and it spills all over him "Shit Train Im sorry Im so sorry now your skin is burning up from the fried mocha latte"

"No its not" Train says "Cats dont get wet" then he drinks the mocha latte


	15. Monkey On The Back

Ok so then Train walked down to Nottingham and he saw Friar Truck and the Friar was like "Train wow thank god you came along man particularly at this hour i mean your timing it is impeccable you could really not have come at a better time i have got a problem and you are just the cat to solve it"

Train said "Yeah ha ha thats what i have heard a lot of today anyway Truck what can i do for you" and Truck says "Well yeah okay so you see there is a monkey on my back" and Friar turns around and low-n-behold there is a monkey right there on his back hanging and crawling and scratching all over him and hes bleeding

Damn Friar Truck" Train says "That is a seriously bad monkey okay so what do you want me to do" Truck stares in disbelief says "I DONT KNOW MAYBE GET IT OFF MY BACK"

"Okay man no need to get angry i got this" then Train pulls out his gun and bam bam, just like that with a single shot the monkey is hit right between the eyes and goes flying, he hits the ground bloodied and dead seven hundred feet away "There are you happy now" Friar Truck is like "Yeah man thanks" Train is like no problem but then as he walks on he mumbles under his breath "what a dick"


	16. I Guess Fame Can Be Subjective

Train starts walking back in the general vicinity of his complex apartment complex and on the way there he hears a scream so he looks up and finds that he is standing underneath the balcony of a hotel, from which his good friend Woodney is dangling by a string

"Woodnee" shouts Train "What are you doing that looks dangerous and not at all like an ideal situation in which to be being" and Woodney replies "Train holy shit man I was so scared but now that you're here it's okay, look I was practicing my Famous Trapeze Act"

"It really isnt that famous man" Train interjects "You need to stick to acting that trapeze act is going nowhere and furthermore"

then Woodknee interrupts him "Dude youre an insightful guy with a lot of good career advice but im kind of dying so can you let me finish my story thanxs anyways i was practicing my Arguably Famous Trapeze Act and suddenly the rope snapt and left me dangling-hangling so like if you could find a way to get me down safely that would really really be appreciated in return Ill stop doing that thing I always do at parties"

"That thing is really annoying so ok hang on one sec I got an idea" Train, wait for it, gets out, WAIT FOR IT his gun! he fires twenty hole rounds up in the air at the trapeze string and Woddney comes flittering down like a Leaf and Train gracefully prances over and catches Woodney in his arms sets him on the ground then moves on to sovle more problems...


	17. Gnomes Their Nomenclature GNOMENCLATURE?

Train waltzes on out to garden and what do you know he sees his ex-girlfriend Sephiria her blonde hair floating beautifully in the breeze like a fish "Sephiria girl whats going on what are you doing out in the garden" the preceding words right before this portion of the paragraph the ones in between the quotation marks those are precisely what he says to Sephira and word for word

"Train" sephiria says "Im trying to do yard work and the thing is the problem is the worst part about it is what is making it particularly difficult and challenging is the unfortunate fact that there are all these fucking garden gnomes in the garden"

"That would be the reason for their name" says Train

"Okay well just because theyre called garden gnomes doesnt mean they have to show up in MY garden now does it no thats like saying everyones daddy should be a daddy long legs, whatever the point is these gnomes are preventing me from getting any work dnoe because you know how gnome shenanigans go once they starts they dont stop for anything so can you just round them up so that they wsill stop pestering me"

Yeah "no problem" is what Train says and then he clicks the trigger on Hades and out pops not a bullet this time but rather a LASSO which... shoots out around the perimter of the garden and rounds up wrangles up tangles up mangles up all the gnomes and ulls them right on back towards him in a bunlde of lasso gnomes and then Sehiria starts to say "thanks" but she turns around and Train is already gone because well maybe i have not made it clear enough but the amoun of problems he will be solving with his gun really expands ad infinitum he has a lot of places to be he does not have time for small talk


	18. Predictable Yet Affective (Sled Chapter)

So then Train goes to the local sledding hill/rink/arena and he finds a whole mess, he sees a large Afro American man on a sled that appears to not be moving, curious Train walks on up and as he gets closer he sees that it is his goo d friend who goes by the name of

"Baldorias Bruckheimer! Man what are you doing here I have not seen you since back when I was in Chronos and we fucked u all those peole do you remember that" Train says and Baldorias is like "Ha ha yeah but I left all that Chronos shit behind me a few years back anyways while we are reconnecting could I get you do to me a favor for old times sakes"

Train is like "Yeah man that is sort of my agenda today well go on dont be hesitating like that just tell me so what is the problem" and Baldorias says "Well as you can see my sled got tangled up in this weird sort of fine vine and it isnt moving and remaining sessile in suhc a fashion as I am presently doing is kind of counterproudcitve or at least not condusive to the aims of sledding to you understand what I am SAYING TRAIN" and Train is like "wait"

Train leans down to look at the so called vine that is allegedly ensnaring this sled (ensledding you could say) and he says "Well I have made an observation this is NO VINE, it is in fact an HERB" and Baldorias is like "Dude there is a reason I went into paid murder intead of botany can you just shut up and get me out" and Train is like "Yeah but I warn you the solution to this problem is basically going to be the most predictable one possible"

Balrodias is like "Yeah let me guess you will pull out your gun and shoot the herbvine and then it will have been broken thus setting me and my sled free for merry snowy sledventures" and Train is like "Essentially" then he does that thing and as Baldorias sleds down the hill growing an increasingly great distance away from Train he can be heard to say "Thank you Traaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii" but it faids out before you can hear hi m finish the word because this hill/rink/arena is way way way larger than any sledding venue you have encountered, the size of it is so overwhelming that Train has to move on and solve a new taskand help a new person or else he will get too overwhelmed by the size of the sledding venue and have a heart atack


End file.
